


sexting and scones

by your_bespoke_psychopath



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Graham The Chicken. yes he deserves his own tag., Sexting, stupid jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_bespoke_psychopath/pseuds/your_bespoke_psychopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the times River tried - and failed at - sexting with her Time Lord.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sexting and scones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agelessdaughter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agelessdaughter/gifts).



> Stormcage must be a lonely place, and River would try to brighten up her days - and nights - somehow, wouldn't she? And you all know that the Doctor would be terrible at sexting. 
> 
> I blame it on the weather. Spring and sunshine have terrible effect on me. Things like that happen.  
> And yes, I did borrow Matt's way of typing and used it in this fic. It fits, okay? It fits.
> 
> For Eris, because she wants to pet a chicken :).

**#1.**

‘Sweetie...’

‘Yes, River?’

‘Would you like to touch me now?’

‘Uhm, yes??? I guess???? But you know, I am kind of busy. I’m rerouting the delta wave so it works more effectively with shields.’

‘Would you like me to touch myself then?’

‘Why would you touch yourself?’

‘To make myself feel good, sweetie.’

‘Are you feeling unwell, River???!?’

‘Not I just want to feel gooooooooood.’

‘Are you sick????!? Do you have a cold???!?’

‘No, on the contrary – I feel like I’m burning up.’

‘You have a fever!!!! You should stay in bed!!!!’

‘Oooooh, I am in bed.’

‘That’s good!!!! Now, stay there and make sure you’re warm. Do you have a blanket??? Are you hungry?!??’

‘... Yes, I am hungry, I am starving, dear.’

‘Don’t they feed you in Stormcage? You should ask the guards for some food. Maybe they’ll take you to the medic wing?!?!?!?’

‘You know what, sweetie? Nevermind. I’m fine.’

‘No, but you’re sick!’

‘... I’ll take care of myself.’

‘No, you should get medical help!!!!’

‘So come here, Doctor.’

‘But I am not the doctor of medicine!!!!! Well, I am, but it was ages ago and I don’t think I remember everything. Although I guess it’s like riding a bike. Or maybe riding a bike is like riding a bike?!?!? It is, of course, but you know what I mean River, right?!?!?!?’

‘River? Why aren’t you responding????! Is something wrong??!?! Are you feeling worse?!?!?’

‘I... Forgive me sweetie, but I have to go. I need both of my hands. xo.’

‘For what? Why do you need both your hands?!?!?!’

‘River??!?!?!’

‘It is very rude, leaving in a middle of a conversation, you know!!!! Even Amy isn’t that rude and she is Scottish! River!!!!!’

 

**#21.**

‘What are you wearing, sweetie?’

‘I’m wearing what I always wear!!!! Really, River, you should know by now!!!’

‘Indulge me, darling.’

‘You know. Trousers. A shirt. A bowtie! Because they are cool!!! That’s it, I think.’

‘Which shirt?’

 ‘The purple one?? I think???’

‘I like that purple shirt. It looks good on you.’

‘Yeah well, I look good in everything.’

‘Aren’t you interested in what I’m wearing?’

‘Uhm... Sure?!?’

‘I’m naked.’

‘But why?! It’s cold in Stormcage!!’

‘Maybe you should come and keep me warm then?’

‘Don’t you have clothes?!? Or a blanket???’

‘I do, but I prefer it was you who warmed me up, honey.’

‘I could bring you tea!! Tea would warm you up!!!!!’

‘Let’s skip the tea. I’ll let you have a cigarette afterward.’

‘Cigarettes are awful, River!! And afterward what?? Why would I need a cigarette after anything?!??’

 

**#48.**

‘Are you hungry, honey?’

‘Nah, not really.’

‘But maybe you’d like to eat out?’

‘Oh, yes! We can go to this small bistro on Kuhala, they serve the best fish fingers and custard there!!! Or to this restaurant where every dish is made from jammie dodgers! Can you imagine it River??!!?’

‘Nevermind, sweetie.’

 

**#83.**

‘Okay, I am past being subtle about it. Maybe you need a direct approach.’

‘River?!?!’

‘I am just so wet. And I’d really appreciate it if you did something about it.’

‘Why are you wet?? Did you fall into a river?! Hahaha!!!!’

‘Or maybe it was just a pond?!?!’

‘River, I just made two very cool jokes!!!’

‘... Yes, I did notice them, honey. I was just laughing too hard to respond to them.’

 

**#147.**

‘Stroke your cock for me.’

‘River? Why would I stroke poultry?? I don’t even have a chicken!! River, do I have a chicken later on?!! Will I?! Tell me I do!! I’ll name him Graham!!!!!!’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. I am so done with you.’

‘River?!?!????’

 

**#196.**

‘Just talk dirty to me, honey.’

‘????!?!’

‘Sweetie, please!’

‘Mud? Grime?! Filth??! Slim!! Sludge!? Muck! Dirt?? Soil?!’

‘What are these?’

‘Synonyms for the word ‘dirt’!! You wanted them!! And I came up with them for you!!’

‘Sweetie, you know I love you, right?’

‘Yes :).’

‘But sometimes you are just such an idiot I have no idea why I put up with you.’

‘RIVER!!!!!!!!!’

 

**#241.**

‘I would really like to come now.’

‘Come where?!?’

‘Just come.’

‘But River, you have to be more precise than that!!!’

‘Honey, how difficult is to understand: I want to come.’

‘Yes, I get it, but where?!?!’

‘With you.’

‘Fine, but where?!? You have to give me some coordinates!! I can’t just come like that!!!’

‘Oh sweetie, I bet I could make you come just like that.’

‘Yes, I will come if you just give me the coordinates!!!’

‘And will you come again?’

‘Why would I come twice??! It makes no sense!’

‘There’s nothing wrong with coming twice, trust me sweetie.’

‘But if I’m already there, why would I come twice? Or you for that matter?!?! You make so sense, River!!’

‘Sweetie. You still have so much to learn.’

‘What!? No, I don’t!!!!!’

‘You do.’

‘River!!!! Stop that! You still have to give me the coordinates so I can come to you!!!’

‘Darling, I think I’ll take the coming thing into my own hands. Seems like a better plan. At least until you become smarter in certain areas.’

‘I am very smart, River!!!! I am a genius!!’

‘River!!!! You left me again!!!’


End file.
